Key West = Awesome; Iowa game

Library- Was gettin bored as usual, so I go on horsecut, see what's up.

First, Nesfeder and I bought Iowa tickets, so if anyone is tryna, lemme know cuz I'll be there that weekend....

Just got back from Key West on Saturday. Me, Nesfeder, and Matty P (I don't know who knows Matty P, but he always brought us Jack Daniels and sometimes stayed on our couch on football weekends and he was dating Nesfeder's little sister down the hall). Anyway, the drive down was pretty ridiculous, it was supposed to take only 3 hours based on google maps, but traffic made it closer to 5 hours. The road there is pretty sweet, its 1 road that goes from island to island. It was actually the bridge that was on True Lies. haha. Apparently Key Lime pie is actually from the Florida Keys too, learn something new every day. Aiiight, so we got there around 5:00 and started drinking around 5:01.
1701-1900:We drank some beers at the hotel, where the Bartender was talking about how he once went to Philly and sat down at a bar, then some black guy came up behind him and put a gun to his head because aparently that seat was the black guy's seat. Typical philly. We had a few beers, then took a shuttle to the party scene, aka "Duval Street", David Duval?? Most likely. On the ride over there, there was this super drunk old man sitting behind us asking us all kind of wierd shit and his wife was yelling at us, then he said Buffalo was the coldest place on earth, except for antarctica, I'm not sure if he had is facts straight on that one, then we got off and went to go get dinner.
1900-2030: Had a few drinks and some dinner. At dinner, we realized that every jaun is there with their families so we were kinda wonderin if that was what the night was gonna be like and we were kinda pissed.
2030-2200: After dinner, we go to this old person bar, had some Pina Coladas and Bud Light and watched the baseball game for a little while. It was there when some fat not tryna jaun walks up to Nesfeder and says "do you have a girlfriend?", he says "No". She then asks "can I have a kiss?", he says "sure, why not". So then they start making out at the friggin bar for a good 15 seconds while I am sitting there laughing at him and this grimy ass fatty. Then she says thanks and leaves. 10 minutes later, she and her fat friend, who was even uglier come back and start talking to me and right away I said I have a woman, whew, cuz the really ugly one was tryna with me. Nesfeder's girl asks me if I think she is hot, and I said "She isn't my type" (im a nice guy, so I didn't tell her what I should have). But I did tell her that Matty P was single so he is fair game. Then these bitches got clingy and wanted to hang out and we bounced cuz we were gonna meet up with some of Nesfeder's friends. We leave.
2200-2230: We walk all over, looking for Nesfeder's friends, oh, apparently they just arrived at the place we were just at and now we have to go back and see fat bitches again. Awkward.
2230-2240: Back at the bar, we chug some beers and get out really fast to avoid any contact w/ fat jauns. And this couple we met up with, the guy was like 6'5" and his fiance was 6'2". Although tall, she may have been one of the hottest girls in real life ever. Could have easily been a model, but she is an elementary school teacher (if i was the dad of one of her students, I would make sure my kid was bad so we could have a parent teacher conference, cuz if porno scripts are accurate (which I'm sure they are), many sexual encounters occur in the classroom). But her fiance plays rugby and is huge, so not tryna.
2240-2300: We make our way to some Irish Bar, which is apparently the best bar in Key West (which is almost true, except for the next bar).
2300-0000: We get in there, and its packed. The guy on stage is wearing a robe and a strap on dildo, oh, and a guitar. He was hilarious, he would whip out his dick all the time and play with it right near the ear of some guy who wasnt looking. We all thought he was late 20's until he said he graduated from Michigan, got a PHD is theology, then a law degree at UF; why is he is a bar entertainer I have no idea, but he said he was in Key West for 10 years and we pegged him at about 40 years old after that... then we realized the guy was a loser who was good on a guitar. haha. Landshark = delicious beer. And double jack shots at midnight after 7 hours of drinking is a bad idea. We bounce.
0000-0115: We go to some tropical bar and have some Miami Vice's (strawberry daq and pina colada mixed) There, Matty P meets some jaun with her dad. Oh, here is this girls website, hahhaha www.whitneyfox.com - So he is tryna with her, with the Dad there and all, then the Dad starts giving us life advice about how although he is old, unattractive, and has a small pecker, he still gets all the girls because he has a huge wallet, his website- www.globalitu.com - yeah, he's loaded, he even got William Shatner to endorse him. After his speech, him and his daughter bounce, BUT WAIT!!! He left his phone on the table, so Matty P chases the guy down, gives him his phone, then brings the girl and her Dad back to the bar. It was hilarious.
0115-0300: "The Garden of Eden"- greatest bar in the world? Possibly. Clothing is optional. So at this point we are tanked. Many jauns were topless, most had bra on, few were naked. Unfortunately, dudes walk around bare assed too. Anyway, me and Matty P get down to our underwear and start dancin with some jauns, he was dancing with Daddy's girl and I was dancing with a couple jauns. And this girl's Dad gets down to his undies and starts dancing with jauns too, right in front of his daughter. Then the guy thought it would be funny to pants me and Matty P, so he did, it was funny. Hahaha. Then some jaun thinks that she is sweet cuz she is pole dancing, then I showed her up, and in doing so, I accidentally kicked some lady in the head; the bouncer told me to stay off the pole at this point. Some feminist bitch started yelling at me and nesfeder when we said that we hope Matty P fucks this girl, then we made fun of her. Then the bar started gettin a lil emptier, Matty P tries to get the girl to go back to his room while Nesfeder is trying to get the girls I was dancing with (I don't know why) to go back to the room, everyone fails. Game over. Hahaha.
0300- We leave, go pass out at the hotel, Great night.

Back to work.
Love,
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